You can't special order awesome
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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