my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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