I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
