Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
