today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
