I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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