Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
