I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
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I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
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The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
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