He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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