Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
