The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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