Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize