I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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