I just threw up on my dentist
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
