my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
