i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
