I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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