Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
