i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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