Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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