i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
