At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
