Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My dick has a subreddit
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
