Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We have so much sex to catch up on
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
