According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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