someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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