He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
