I think I just saw someone hide a body.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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