god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
