i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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