Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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