Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
