you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
