My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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