god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
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I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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