it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
