3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I am spending my child support on dildos
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
