We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
