Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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