I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
