Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
