My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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