I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
