She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
