I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
