I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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