How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
