You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
