I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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