can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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