Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
