her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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