my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
