you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
