I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
